Firstly, let me say that I know breaking up sucks and no one wants to do it. In the moments leading up to one, everything becomes increasingly difficult, nothing makes sense, our thoughts roller coaster, days get longer, and we either start eating and drinking more, or sometimes we stop eating all together. There is nothing worse than having to make a life changing decision. But when we do, magic can happen.
For me, my toxic relationships involved giving my power away to someone, or something. I lost myself in every possible way, I didn’t know where I was going with my life, I had no voice and I lost my control. Each break up was hard, extremely hard, and sometimes the recovery was long, but my life has morphed into so much awesomeness now, that I am so proud of myself for having the gusto to do the hard work each time.
Break up number one that mattered most was with the ex that I share my daughter with. I have had my fair share of bad decision boyfriend choices, but the one I stayed with the longest, took a huge part of me.It’s cliché to say, but I don’t remember the exact moment I stopped being me, when I started to become who I thought I should be to try to make us work. It just seemed to happen. We were together for 8 years, I even broke up with him a few times during, but somehow, in some addictive way, I went back.
There are two parts to every story, I know I am not perfect, I know that there were things that I could have done better when I was with him. I definitely drank too much, smoked too much, stayed up too late, and generally didn’t live the highest quality life, but that’s what we did… together.
The biggest part I lost while I was in this relationship was my spirituality. As a tree hugging hippie in my early twenties, the Goddess Mother was my flame. Standing in her arms filled me up, and I loved trekking through the eco park by my house with my son. My ex was an atheist. He found my belief silly, he still does, although now I am ok with that fact. I stopped practising all aspects of my love for Earth, Universe, and Goddess. I stopped listening to my heart.
When you disconnect from your Source, you lose your life force. I became a shell in my body. I found it hard to communicate with him at all. We were so different on every level, from spirituality, parenting, discipline, goals, that I stopped trying, and completely lost my voice. I lived this way for years… YEARS!!! Then in one monumental moment, I knew I had to leave and free myself of the pressure of being something I was not.
This breakup took almost two years to heal. It is very odd to try and find yourself after being with someone for so long. Reconnecting to my inner voice, hearing her wants and needs took time. It takes work to trust yourself after not listening for so long, to understand what you want out of life again. The journey was definitely longer than I anticipated, but it allowed me to be in the mindset to meet my true love only a year later.
This heart breaking experience didn’t even come close to preparing me for my second biggest break up. The second one was so gut wrenching and difficult that I became depressed and lost myself for the send time, but on a much deeper level. My second break up was with my son when he was only 17 years old.
There were many events that led to this happening, all of which are in the past now, and since my son and I are currently the closest we’ve ever been, I don’t want to spend too much time replaying it all. I can say that dealing with mental health can be hard for everyone involved and that Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is a real issue and it sucks balls.
At the time my son and I broke up, we were not communicating on any reasonable level, there was no respect, and property and safety were a concern. Making the decision to cut all ties with him came after years of therapy and no other option. The events leading up to me making this decision were some of the most challenging I have ever gone through, and the aftermath of disconnecting to him left me vacant inside.
When you have a child that needs support for his health issues it defines you on so many levels. Fighting for his rights, taking him to appointments, working through the emotions, was a daily endeavour. When my space became empty of those things, I didn’t know who I was without being his caregiver. I had spent a decade of my life consumed in being there at all times, putting out fires, driving where I needed to drive, cancelling work to support him, changing my schedule, I felt lost. Seeing an open road before me without any obstacles scared the snot out of me. Who was I without him and what did I actually want to do with my life?
I spent months in a daze, crying, getting through each day like a zombie. I drank lots of wine and lost many nights feeling helpless and guilty. I pasted a smile on my face each day, did what was asked of me, but inside I was breaking. The wine wasn’t anything new, since I had been using it as a crutch through his behaviours for years, but the depression, anxiety and identity crisis was a bad cocktail mix I have never experienced before.
Recovery came after a few long, dark months and required me to seek counsel with my inner child and my heart. It was here that I fully began my journey to my spirituality and began my practice of meditation. There were so many hurts and wounds I was carrying. Ones beyond my son, my ex and my past. It was in these moments of silence, that I actually began to hear again. This was the beginning to my discovery of me, the person who is sitting here, writing this newsletter, hoping that it can bring light to someone’s darkness.
My latest break up is a big one for me right now because it is so fresh. It’s actually only a few days old so I haven’t even begun to feel it’s full effects yet. I know recovery will often make me cranky and unbearable because I am surrounded with people who love it and will be enjoying its sweet nectar. My third break up is with alcohol.
I have broken up with alcohol more than once and usually for weight management purposes, once was for six weeks, and the other time four weeks. Other than those two periods of time I have spent most of my adult life, drinking socially, or getting completely knackered.
So what was my big aha moment this time that makes me firmly take my stand in breaking off our romance. It’s a two part-er really, one being that I am starting my book The Love Revolution, and in order for me to channel the information into the book that I am receiving, I need clarity in my mind, not a hazy sludge. The second part, is that my one-year anniversary with my husband just passed and I spent it hungover, with him, but hungover none the less, and barely able to keep my eyes open over a delicious romantic meal. What is up with that! I choose love for the next however long it takes to write my masterpiece!
Each of these moments define who I am today by the bravery I exuded in taking my power back. It had to look fear in the eye and make the necessary changes to better my life. Break ups are never a straight, easy road, and almost always force us to look within our souls, to why we ended up where we were in the first place and let’s face it, who wants to do that?
Our greatest lessons. But they can also be our biggest opportunity for growth. On the other side of the hardship, sadness, heart break, addiction, is a beautiful chance to heal the parts of ourselves that aren’t working any more. To become who we are meant to be.
It is because of these experiences that I now help others find their passion for who they are again. I use empathy, intuition, and healing meditations to reconnect you to your inner child. I know what it feels like to be empty inside and see no future. I also know, that with some work, and some trust, it is possible to find joy again.
I am going to be running weekly webinars this month to teach some ways to trust yourself and your intuition. It will help you see situations clearly and free from emotional connections. If you or someone you know could benefit from them, please forward this newsletter, share it, tweet it, old school print it out, to get the message out that help is on its way.
If you have any questions or want clarity on a subject, shoot me a message or book a session with me.
I promise there is always light outside our greatest darkness.
Love and light to you all xo.