Soulful Saturday Musings
As I sit in my living room this morning, I feel happy. I feel a deep connection to the Universe again, and have the knowing that everything is working out.
That the more I relax in to this sense of peace, the easier everything flows.
But this feeling I am nestled in right now, is coming after some deep internal hiccups and questioning of my life.
Over the last couple of weeks, as the new moon in Scorpio neared on the seventh, my whole being was rocked.
I began questioning who I was, what I was doing, where my life was going, if I was happy. Deep turmoil roiled inside me from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed.
I began shutting down. Closing my connection to Spirit, and feeling the need to hyper control my actions. You know the feeling? Where no one else can do anything as good as you can, so you stop asking for help and feel responsible for everything. Yea. So that’s the space I was in.
In that space, struggle is real. Boundaries get smudged. More equals results. Go go go, do do do energy presents.
As this energy built, my emotions built, and last Saturday I spent the entire day in tears. The type of tears that no one even needed to speak to me. All it took was looking at me, and I was sobbing again.
And I was angry. Really angry. I wanted to blame everyone else for how disconnected I was.
Which was the perfect place for me to shift. I truly believe that we all have the capacity to see what it is happening to us as an awareness of what isn’t working in our lives.
That we can choose to stay in the darkness and shadows, or we can choose to do the work to take one step at a time in to the light.
Knowing that the new moon was Wednesday, I pulled myself out of bed at 5:30 am and made my way to my journal. There was a calling to go deep in to the shadows to really release the truth of what was blocking me.
As I wrote, I could see the deep seeded belief that had been bubbling to the surface for weeks. The feeling that nothing I ever did was good enough for those I loved.
That money was tied to my worth.
That the responsibility I was putting on my business meant it was controlling me, instead of my business filling me with joy.
So I asked Spirit what to do?
What could I do to feel worthy?
The answer was give up. Walk away from my business completely.
What?! Why would I walk away from the very thing I loved?
Then it dawned on me. I wasn’t being told to give up because I was meant to stop coaching and authoring books.
I was being told to give up because I needed to get to a place where I realized that my business didn’t define me.
That if the internet shut down tomorrow, Jeff and I could get jobs and everything would be ok.
We wouldn’t lose the house, screw our kids over, or be failures.
With this understanding, came a release.
I could stop putting so much pressure on myself.
I could let go of the feeling that I HAD to do everything right because if I didn’t, I was letting everyone in my family down.
I began asking for the support I needed in my relationship.
Using my voice.
Clearing out the need the be in control.
And in the space I created, happiness and joy reappeared.
Ease and flow started to dance back in to my life.
Trust and I became friends again.
I share this story because you may have felt the unravelling with this new moon as well.
My suggestion to easing the discomfort, is not to bury the feelings that came up back down, but to lean in to them.
Really find out why they are there.
Then ask how to let go.
Trust what you receive.
And trust that by leaning in, you are opening yourself up to a newer expanded version of you when you’ve done the work.
I would love to know what you found when you looked deeper and how you were able to release it.
Your story is important.