When things were really bad with Ethan,
I had to build a wall around myself. A fortification of massive strength to keep everything together. There could be no weaknesses. One small crack and it would be over. I would fall apart. I had to stay in constant control.
It’s one of the loneliest times I can remember in my life. The mask was always on, no one knew what was going on inside my house, or inside my heart. The facade was important to keeping everything together. Without it, I knew I’d be a puddle. Every day I prayed it would get easier.
Last week, even while life is so much better right now, I felt myself slipping away again. I felt utterly alone in my business, crushed by everything I was taking on.
For months I’ve had incredible peace of mind, knowing that everything was going to be ok, my family was looked after, and I didn’t need to worry about anything. If fear entered my mind, I could hear a masculine voice within me say, “don’t you trust me?”, and I did.
With the pressure of completing my second book, while still showing up to serve my tribe, AND create the income to support my family, a familiar heaviness started to creep in.
I felt the mask going up.
Somehow a story had slipped into my head saying I wouldn’t be able to sell anything in July. Two people, I look up to had both told stories of having incredible momentum, then a month of no sales. I began to worry that this would happen to me. I began to BELIEVE this would be my story too.
I tried to connect through my third eye. I asked for the reassurance that everything was still going to be ok, but the voice wasn’t there. I was alone again.
As an empath, your mood tends to define the energy in your house. So as I darkened, everyone felt as though they had done something wrong. With my cheerful positivity gone, Jeff felt responsible. There was nowhere I could go to get the support I thought I needed.
Thursday was the hardest. It was a day where old Tamara would have called a mental health day, stayed in her PJs and hid from the world.
There was a familiar shell around me as the day started; a need to be in control, to fight to make things happen, and I felt exhausted by it.
Enter a different voice. A soft, gentle, loving voice from my sacral chakra, telling me she was here for me. It was mother energy coming through for me to lay back in to.
I felt a warm energy flow around me as I released the need to be in control. I let go of the fear that I wouldn’t be able to support my family and the beautiful souls that trust me in their journey. I felt my whole body relax.
My fear of being alone and that there was no one to take care of me evaporated. I was completely nurtured and supported. I could give the need to stay in control away.
I can’t tell you how much better I have felt since then. When your sacral chakra isn’t vibrating, you don’t show up for life the same way. You want to hide, withdraw, and be sad.
The longer I am in business, the faster I am learning to address when my chakras aren’t vibrating properly. Knowing the signs helps and then feeling through to the end. Stuffing your emotions away, only causes clutter in the body.
Writing this book is living each chakra fully. As each chapter takes form, I physically go through each joy and challenge it offers. It’s the most awesome and terrifying experience.
In only 4 days the first draft manuscript is due. I can’t wait to share her with you all.
If you ever have questions about YOUR chakras and what is going on energetically, let me know. I’d love to do a complimentary chakra reading with you.
Lots of love,
The Enchanted Fairy